Note: I wrote this for the Charismatic Group in SFX PJ for their Sharing of the Word segment in their Prayer Meeting
Building relationships among bishops, clergy, religious and laity
Before we can look at building relationships, we need to first look at what relationship is all about. A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between two individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship, or a parent-child relationship. Individuals can also have relationships with groups of people, such as the relation between a pastor and his congregation, an uncle and a family, or a mayor and a town.
These relationships usually involve some level of interdependence. People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change or impact one member of the relationship will have some level of impact on the other member.
Interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other and become closer emotionally, or they gradually deteriorate as people drift apart and form new relationships with others. The natural development of a relationship follows five stages:
1. Acquaintance – the early stage, getting to know one another through first impressions.
2. Buildup – the stage where the relationship grows deeper and more intense.
3. Continuation
4. Deterioration
5. Termination
These five stages are essential for any relationship. If we were to look at the relationship between Jesus and his disciples, we can see most, if not all the stages. The relationship did not immediately form. The disciples had to first get acquainted with Christ. Throughout the whole ministry of Jesus, we can see that the disciples are constantly getting to know Jesus better. And throughout Christ’s ministry, we can observe the building of an intimate relationship between him and his disciples.
If we look at our society today, the need for relationship is important. We are not able to exist on our own. This is because we are all sentient beings. The word sentient comes from the Latin word sentire, which means to think and to feel. This is why we will always have the need to feel and to relate to another person. In the context of the church, this need is even greater because without relationships, the church would be nothing. The word church does not mean the physical structure alone. It also means the community of Christ, which is all of us here. If no relationship exists, community would not exist and the church would not exist too.
The Catholic church is hierarchical but not military in nature. In the military sense, those under authority has no say, only follow orders. The church today no longer practise that style of leadership, where we, the laity only need to “pray, pay and obey”. Let us now look at what this relationship is all about.
In his letter to the Bishop delegates to the Fifth Plenary Assembly of the FABC, the late Pope John Paul II wrote, “As spiritual guides of their flocks, bishops should be zealous in promoting the sanctity of their clergy, their religious and their laity according to the vocation of each individual. remembering that they are under an obligation to give an example of sanctity in charity, humility and simplicity of life”
“In exercising his office of father and pastor, the bishop should be with his people as one who serves, as a good shepherd who knows his sheep and whose sheep know him, as a true father who excels in his love and solicitude for all.”
From this statement, we can see that our relationship with the bishop is one of shepherd and sheep. And since he is the shepherd, we trust that he will lead us to our ultimate destination. Trust is one of the key elements in a relationship.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:
886 "The individual bishops are the visible source and foundation of unity in their own particular Churches." As such, they "exercise their pastoral office over the portion of the People of God assigned to them," assisted by priests and deacons. But, as a member of the episcopal college, each bishop shares in the concern for all the Churches. The bishops exercise this care first "by ruling well their own Churches as portions of the universal Church," and so contributing "to the welfare of the whole Mystical Body, which, from another point of view, is a corporate body of Churches." They extend it especially to the poor, to those persecuted for the faith, as well as to missionaries who are working throughout the world.
The relationship between the bishop and the diocesan clergy should be based before all else on supernatural charity, so that their unity of purpose will make their pastoral activity more effective. Therefore, to ensure an increasingly effective apostolate, the bishop should be willing to engage in dialogue with his priests, individually and collectively, not merely occasionally, but if possible, regularly. He should always be ready to listen to them and cultivate an atmosphere of easy familiarity with them, thus facilitating the pastoral work of the entire diocese. This is why the clergy have monthly recollection.
The relationship between clergy and laity is above all one of complementary. It must be an attitude of charity, mutual respect and cooperation. The priest should encourage the laity. Their role and charisms are necessary and a collaboration of all the faithful must exist in the Church's mission.
All religious are under an obligation, in accordance with the particular vocation of each, to work zealously and diligently for the building up and growth of the whole Mystical Body of Christ and for the good of the particular churches.
So how do we build relationships among ourselves? Let us first look at the factors that can help foster a good relationship. As I mentioned earlier, trust is one of the key elements in a relationship. In fact, trust comes first before anything else, because if there is no trust, problems are bound to occur. All of us, regardless of status or vocation, need to trust one another – bishop needs to trust their priests and religious, priests needs to trust their congregation and the congregation needs to trust their priests and bishops. If we are not able to have this trust, we will not believe what they say or do and this will cause the whole structure to collapse. Trust is the heart of a relationship.
There will be times when we find that we are not able to trust. When this happens, we need to ask ourselves why. It is really important to understand where the mistrust is coming from. When we are aware of the cause of our mistrust, we can then understand and know how to trust one another.
But even before we can talk about trust, there’s another element that precedes it, honesty. If you are in a relationship with a person who does not possess a high standard of honesty, you will never be able to fully trust them. When in a relationship, we should be able to completely and unequivocally believe everything that the other party tells us.
In St Paul’s letter to Titus, he says “ and there must be no pilfering -- they must show complete honesty at all times, so that they are in every way a credit to the teaching of God our Saviour” Honesty is a mark of God on us.
Are we honest with ourselves? Before we can look for honesty in others, we need to look within ourselves and examine our own honesty. As Christ said in Luke 6:42, “How can you say to your brother, "Brother, let me take out that splinter in your eye," when you cannot see the great log in your own? Hypocrite! Take the log out of your own eye first, and then you will see clearly enough to take out the splinter in your brother's eye” If we cannot be honest with ourselves, we have no right to expect honesty from others.
Another key element is respect. In his first letter to the Thessalonians, St Paul says, “Have the greatest respect and affection for them because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves”. The “them” was referring to the leaders of the community then. For us, we need to have the greatest respect for our priests, religious and bishop because of their work and not because of their popularity. Bishops and priests are chosen by God to lead his flock, guided by the Holy Spirit to lead the faithful. The church is not a reality TV show where we vote off those whom we do not like or vote for those we like to be elected bishops or ordained priests.
More than that, we also need to have the greatest respect for each other, for each of us contribute, in our own way, to the Mystical Body of Christ, the church. As St Peter, in his first letter says, “Have respect for everyone and love for your fellow-believers”
A relationship needs respect to move two people closer together, when a person realises they are very well respected by another person they begin to feel trust
The most important element is, of course, love. We know that for us, there are 3 types of love. They are agape, philia and eros. Agape is unconditional love, philia fraternal love and eros sexual love. But in the context of ourn theme, let us concentrate on agape and philia.
So what is this “love”? The Oxford’s Dictionary defines love as a warm liking or affection for something or someone. This is a very general meaning because love cannot be described in words but by actions. Personally, I think there are two kinds of love – conditional and unconditional love. Conditional love is when we put conditions on our feelings. For example, we love someone because they can be of use to us, and they also can be at our disposal. This kind of love is relatively not good because we would be abusing love to use it for our own good. We should not love a person because of their possessions, or outward appearance, or because they can provide us with the things we need. We should instead love a person for who they are. This is unconditional love.
St Paul, in 1 Corinthians 16:1, says “Let everything you do be done in love” In order to build a good relationship with amongst ourselves, everything we do must be because of love. God loved us so much that his only Son died for us. We are the recipients of this immense love and we should share this great love with others, especially those whom we are in relationship with. Christ tells us not only to love our friends, but also our enemy or those we do not like.
For us to have a good and successful relationship, our love for one another must be pure and without pretence. As St Paul says in his letter to the Romans, “Let love be without any pretence. Avoid what is evil; stick to what is good.” (Rom 12:9) If our love is superficial and false, the relationship that we have will not last. Our love for another must not be mere words alone. Love is best expressed through action. Our love therefore must translate into action. How do we do that? Again, St Paul gives us the answer, “With all humility and gentleness, and with patience, support each other in love” (Eph 4:2) By giving support to our bishops, priests, religious and also to one another, we are translating our love into action.
In his encyclical, Deus Caritas Est, Pope Benedict XVI, wrote: “a human being, created in the image of God, who is love, is able to practice love; to give himself to God and others and by receiving and experiencing God's love in contemplation. This life of love is the life of the saints such as Teresa of Calcutta and the Blessed Virgin Mary and is the direction Christians take when they believe that God loves them”
When we receive and experience God’s love for us, we will be able to share that love with others. In doing so, we will be able to build up the relationship among one another, regardless of status or vocation. When we have God’s love within us, we will naturally want to make the relationship work, we will naturally want to ensure that our relationship with one another does not fail.
The final element is dialogue or communication. We cannot and will not be able to get know one another and build up a relationship without constant dialogue. Many relationships fail due to the lack of communication. The value of a relationship is in direct proportion to the time that we invest in the relationship. The more time we are willing to spend in communication with the other person, the stronger our relationship will be.
Both talking and listening is essential in any relationship. Talking enables the other party to understand and get to us know better. Listening may sound like an easy thing to do, but many confuse it with hearing. Hearing what the other party is saying versus listening to them, are indeed very different. Listening means that we are interested in learning more about what the other is making an effort to tell us. Dialogue must be frank and heartfelt. Without the elements of trust, respect, honesty and love, our dialogue will be meaningless and empty.
In saying all of this, it does not mean that our relationship with one another will be all rosy and without problems. There is no perfect relationship. But through all these elements, we will be able to forge a better, stronger relationship among each other.
With God’s grace and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we will be able to establish and grow in these relationships.
“These remained faithful to the teaching of the apostles, to the brotherhood, to the breaking of bread and to the prayers'. (Acts 2:42)
